Originally posted on Craigslist:
Hey Crackhead
Yes, you. You sick
f**ker. On Wednesday morning I emerged from my girlfriend's building by U.N.
Plaza to find that you had sawed the tops off both the sparkplugs on my
motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why anyone would do that. Other than the
sparkplugs, the bike was untouched. Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A fraternity
prank gone awry? I had no idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge
douchebag riding the Muni to work in a padded motorcycle jacket and
helmet.
Because the bike was immobilized I got a $35 street sweeping
ticket that night. Thursday I had it towed to the shop ($45) where they replaced
the sparkplugs and the boots ($50 including labor). They explained to me that
"people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops of spark
plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As an engineer and former
MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then I remember that I
just paid $100 for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry again.
Crackhead, it
was really good to have my bike back though. I rode home from the shop with a
couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face. I figured the next time I
parked at my girlfriend's place overnight I would have to buy some crackpipes
and tape them to my bike as a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset.
Despite having to ride the bus for three days and dropping a hundred bones at
the shop, I had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and
a pretty funny anecdote about how fucked up you are, and how our paths once
crossed briefly in the night.
But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs
lie, could you Crackhead. You couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch Letterman
through the window of a home electronics store and then call it a night. You
couldn't rest on your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't
enough for you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for
more.
This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the
shop, I found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the
right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare
sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a 73-piece
toolset from SEARS.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in my new toolset
was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the neighborhood Ace
hardware. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was
for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had
to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on
me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 25) it still cost me $22 all
told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive
adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the
hell up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy
a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back
now."
OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have
done me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable.
I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don't
understand is,
YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A
CRACKPIPE?
I am an engineer. Do you ever see me shaking down bums in the
Loin for a calculator and sliderule? No, you don't. Because engineering is the
main thing I do, I went and bought myself a calculator. The main thing you do is
crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads must clown on
you non-stop. I mean, the fucking saw you used to saw off my sparkplugs is
probably worth five or ten bucks. Why not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You
really haven't put much thought into this, have you?
Please, Crackhead,
please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy crack. Even a stupid
crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be that stupid.
I've decided
that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount to appeasement. You
have crossed a line, Crackhead - specifically California Street. You have come
onto my own street and you have desecrated that which I hold dear. You have
stolen from me, and you have caused me to spend the last half hour writing this
post instead of engineering shit, and it is concievable, if not likely, that my
boss could find out about this and fire me. I am hella pissed at you
dude.
Here are my options as I see them:
1. Write a note saying
that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat poison and tape it to my bike at
night. You can thank Tim for that one, it was his idea.
2. Don't write a
note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison. This is probably closer to a
punishment that would fit your despicable crime. I'm sure this is super illegal
and shit, but it's not like anyone is going to miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool
yourself.
3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless
steel mirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm
sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well balanced. I am
not a large man, but I am angry.
In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you
just do both of us a favor and buy yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance
your crack smoking experience and save me a lot of time and felony assault
charges. Think about it.
Sincerely,
Matt
*** If you are not the
Crackhead that took my sparkplugs, please disregard this posting ***
